Black As My Soul, Part III (Is Darkness Evil?)

As a kid, I was afraid of the dark.  I couldn't see well, and with my vivid imagination, all sorts of things would play in the shadows.  When you don't know what is moving by your bed as a kid who is prone to nightmares, something moving freaks you out, completely, especially when you have your own room.

However, when you turn on the light or put on night vision goggles, you find that what was moving was just your curtains, or your cat playing in the dark, and not necessarily anything to be alarmed about.

Categorizing darkness as evil would be extremely funny to most Buddhist monks.  This is because, according to Buddhist philosophy, neither exists.  Duality is an illusion.  There are not light and dark, black and white, good and evil.  Those are our perceptions running rampant, and causing us to move further away from remembering our true nature and the interconnectedness of all things.

I first heard about this philosophy in seventh grade.  I loved the idea that the Buddha saw suffering outside his palace, and decided to go do something about it.  I thought that was absolutely fantastic.    However, as a 13 year old, I only saw things as black and white, and very distinctly so.  It wasn't that I thought my language arts teacher was lying: I just didn't get it.

At 29, I get it.  I also get to see the problems duality causes, every day, on none other than... Facebook!

Yes. Facebook!  Facebook is absolutely fantastic at showing how duality makes us suffer.  We have groups and classifications for all sorts of people.  We want everyone to fit in a box, and show how different we are from everyone else.  Then, when we are proven different, we disassociate ourselves from people who disagree, or we argue with them.

Does this prove that our point is better or different?  The simple point of the matter is: both sides are arguing.

Why doesn't arguing work, in the most common form present on Facebook?  Because both sides are angry.  Anger clouds the mind, and causes our perceptions to become even more disillusioned, thus not allowing the argument to create any less suffering, for either party, but to potentially maintain existing, or cause more, suffering.  It also widens the gap between each party, because neither is listening to the other, and is simply getting louder (or in this case, using CAPS LOCK), to prove their point.

How can we change this?

Help eradicate ignorance.

How can we do that?

Education.

But you already know that, right?  I mean, that's why you have student loans!

An important question: how much did you actually learn acquiring those student loans?  Are you a master of your profession, by virtue of your education?  Can you say that your degree added equal value to your life of the debt you incurred?

If so, congratulations!  I am happy that your education has decreased your suffering!  Please share this knowledge so other people can know of an institution that does what it promises: it provides a useful education.

If not, why not work on your own self-education?  It's great fun!  I'm not kidding, and if it's not in the classroom, you can learn in whatever style you like best, at your own pace, in your own way.  It doesn't have to be in a book either, although I find books to be an excellent place to start.  You can learn by talking to people, doing things, or simply living... if you are aware of your life.

So, the important question is... Are you aware of what is going on in your life?  As the Buddha would say: Are you awake?  Can you see things as they are, without your perceptions clouding your view or shading your interpretation into something else entirely?  Is a cup simply a cup, or does it have a qualifier?  Is a man a man, or do you automatically classify him as good/bad, Black/White/Latino/Mixed race/Asian/etc., rich/poor, intelligent/stupid, ... ?

Or do you need glasses to see clearly?  Do you know if you need glasses?

I need glasses!  :)  That's about how far I have gotten.  Some days, I still forget to put them on.  Other days, I remember to wear them, but they fog up occasionally, or they end up up on my head, and I forget where I put them.

But there are moments, when the glasses fade away, and being happens.  It's delicious, and wonderful, and ecstatic.  There is no longer an "I," or an "am," just being.  I can play piano better, write more easily, drive effortlessly, and perform physical feats with half the effort they usually require.  I can also listen, and hear, and have a giant advantage of not being offended by whom I am speaking with (even if we are covering a delicate topic).  It allows me to respond, not react, to any situation in life, in a way that I can nod the next day, and agree that I did the best I could with the information I had, at the time.  With that mode of existence, there is happiness.

Can you experience this sort of just being?  Of course, you can!  I'm no different from you, and that's really the point.  If just being was what everyone did, we would live in a much happier world, function at a much higher level, and see clearly what was happening in our lives.

A worry people have is that if they tread this path, they will lose who they are.  This is an oversimplification of what occurs: you will lose that which is too heavy to carry anymore.  I still have my past and my experiences.  I just no longer carry them with me.  They were heavy, and they hurt me.  Why would I carry with me things that hurt?

In conclusion, the only darkness you know, you carry with you, or place before you, or choose to cloud your vision.  There is no darkness, or light.  There just is.

With anything related to Zen, this is my path.  I am not Enlightened.  I am not a Zen Teacher.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  However, if any of this resonates with you, find your nearest Zen Center, and go to a sit.  It's how I found out I needed glasses.  :)

Black As My Soul, Part II (or I'll Take It... If It Comes In Black)

For any people reading this post thinking, um... this might be about fashion, and I should run away.  It is, but you shouldn't run away!  I promise.  It's not as scary as you think.  Here's why: clothes are tools.

Yes, clothes are tools.

Let me explain.

When I was in 7th grade, my wardrobe consisted of XXL sweatshirts from Eddie Bauer that completely obscured my form and jeans that kind of sort of fit.  That was what I wore, every day.  It did absolutely nothing for my self-esteem (which was already at an all time low), and absolutely nothing for my time in 7th grade.

Fast forward 4 years to the summer between 10th and 11th grade, and I was happily at Interlochen Fine Arts Camp, with... drum roll please!  ... FRIENDS!  I had made friends.  Wonderful sweet friends who liked me for me.  It was the best summer of my childhood.  One of the most memorable experiences was when I borrowed clothes from my cabin mates for a dance.  My mother had insisted I only needed to pack uniforms, so I had nothing of my own to wear.  I gave back to my cabin mates by helping them with their hair, and returning the items, freshly washed.  However, for the first time in my life, I recognized that feeling pretty as a girl was in and of itself a super power.  It didn't matter how other people reacted to what you wore, although favorably was nice; that wasn't what mattered.  If you had the confidence that you looked good, you could do anything!  It was a revelation for me.

For the next several years, I consistently read fashion magazines (along with the classic novel in my bag... just depended on my mood).  It wasn't for the gossip or the celebrities.  It was for the clothes.  All the textures of the fabrics.  All the different looks and how you could change or modify your form with the design of the clothing.  All of it was immediate love.

During one of my summers during college, I worked at the mall in a post-pregnancy - middle aged to older women's clothing store.  I was able to use my knowledge to transform anyone's appearance into something the wearer found favorable.  Not all women want to look pretty, but they do have distinct preferences that makes them feel like them.  It is easy to pick up on these and match or amplify them, if you understand the language of clothing.  For me, it wasn't only easy: it was fun and gratifying.

Like it or not, people are EXTREMELY visual.  If you wear something visually appealing: they will notice you.  If you would rather go unnoticed or blend in, this is equally possible with the right wardrobe.  To know how to dress one's self, in our bloodless culture (barring you are part of the military, police, or doing illegal activities, then it's not necessarily so bloodless), clothing can be used to help one advance in any field one chooses, in any way that is most advantageous to them.  It can help announce our identity, our purpose, our profession, our work ethic, our attitude, or any other variety of things you can think of.  You must choose wisely, but it is all possible.

Part of choosing your wardrobe is understanding color theory (which I will cover in another post, if anyone is interested).  I look best in jewel tones and/or pastels, and pure whites and blacks, according to my skin tone, hair color, and eye color.  It makes me look healthier when I wear these tones, which psychologically makes me look more appealing.  I wore these shades from the middle of high school (when I first learned about color theory) until a few months ago, when they no longer fit my lifestyle.

Those of you will laugh that I have now moved to a gray-scale palette for my wardrobe when I do two things: I associate wildly and happily with pagans (some of the most colorfully dressed people I know), and my loud personality (especially when I am around people I like).  I have shifted my focus from colors that make me look appealing, to colors that help me focus (black, being my favorite).  I have all the bright colors within my personality.  I do not require them outwardly as well.  Others find bright colors exciting; at this time, I find them distracting.  So, I have changed my wardrobe.

I have also greatly reduced the number of items in my wardrobe.  I found I was only wearing a "uniform" from my old wardrobe of jewel toned items, anyway.  Why not spend the time I was using to choose clothing in the morning to do something creative?  Like blogging, perhaps?  ;)  Or practicing?  Or writing the many novels in my head?  Now, if fashion is your passion, there is nothing wrong with taking an hour or two to handcraft your daily look before going out into the world.  I love fashion, (otherwise, this post would not be happening), but it's not my priority right now.

In making the remainder of this post useful for those who have gotten this far, how does one begin to craft one's wardrobe?  Good question.  Here are a few questions to ponder:

Question One:  What is the aim of your appearance?

A few things to think about to get you started:  

• Do you want to look like the gender(s) which you are attracted to should rip off your outfit?  
• Are you going to an interview and/or wish to look professional? (This varies wildly based on your profession, but it is a good starting point to know if this is one of your goals.) 
• Are you going to be doing heavy labor of some kind?  
• Are you working in a hazardous situation that requires special clothing (the medical profession, a construction site, a machining shop, etc.)?  
• Are you going to be working with children (especially important if it is other people's children)? 
• What do you consider your attractive qualities?  Do you wish to down play or emphasize them?
• Do you wish to look older, younger or exactly your age?  
• Is your fashion sense a statement, an aside, or completely in the background?
• How much do you want to be noticed?
• What do you want people to notice about you based on how you dress?
• How do you feel about the word "provocative" as a descriptor for someone's fashion sense?

Question Two:  How much time are you willing to spend on your appearance?

Parents with babies out there and people with any sort of chronic illness: yes, I know, the answer is ZERO!  However, looking good and choosing a wardrobe that takes zero time to put together each morning is possible.  It will probably also positively affect your mood, even if you hate clothes.  Feeling good about how you look really does make a giant difference.

If the answer is upwards from zero, you have more flexibility, and it is more beneficial to own a larger wardrobe.

Question Three:  How often do you (and are you willing to) do laundry?

If you are going for a zero effort wardrobe, this question is essential.  Once a week means you need clothing to last a week, so 7-9 items of whatever you wear each day.  If you switch between work clothing and leisure clothing, that means more clothes (about double, depending on your lifestyle).  Once every two weeks: double that.  Twice a week, and you can get by on much less, but you should buy clothes that are highly resilient to extra washing, and wash them as gently as possible.

Question Four:  Are you willing to pay for dry cleaning?

My answer: I'm not.  If I buy a piece of clothing in my wardrobe that says "Dry Clean Only," I will wear it once, say I will dry clean it when I have time, and never wear it again.  That is hugely wasteful, on so many levels.  So, I don't buy clothing that needs to be dry cleaned anymore.

Now, I know people who are so into not doing laundry that they send out all of their items to be washed, pressed, and/or dry cleaned, weekly.  If that is you, awesome.  Buy the beautiful Dry Clean Only items.  I will enjoy looking at them on you, and not doing dry cleaning myself.

Question Five: What is your relationship with ironing?

My answer: I don't.  I buy clothing that comes out of the dryer wrinkle free, or really close.  If you like ironing, again, you have more options.

Question Six: Do you have any allergies or skin sensitivities?

A great wardrobe should feel as comfortable as wearing your own skin.  Nothing should pinch, be too tight, too loose, too short, too long, itch, bunch, rub, drag, or constrict.  If you are allergic to any type of material, avoid it like the plague.  If you aren't the size of a mannequin (which trust me, even some mannequins require pins to look good in the ready-made clothing), find a great tailor, make your own clothes, or use a site, like eShakti.com, that makes clothing to your measurements.  No one should be trying to fit into a particular size.  The clothing should fit you.  If it doesn't, it's not your problem.  It's the wrong clothing for your wardrobe.  Like Beastie Dragon always says: "There is the right tool for every job.  Don't use my nice chisels to open paint cans."  You and your wardrobe deserve as much care and attention as a paint can.  **steps off soapbox**

This should be enough to get you started.  Remember, fashion is for everyone.  A lack of fashion sense is still fashion, and even if you choose not to participate, people can still see you and are assessing what you are wearing.  It's not what we try to do: judge people by their appearance.  It's not what we teach our children, or that we aim to judge people at all.  (What are we... gods?)  However, if it is how most people are, visual, that is, why not use it to your advantage and have a little fun?

If you are interested in future posts to explain how to work these questions to your best advantage or are very interested in the post on color theory, please comment below.

Black As My Soul, Part I

It is black... as my SOUL!!!

Yeah, I probably have to say that in person for it to have the full effect.  The first time someone who has judged me as mild-mannered, sweet, and quiet hears me say this... well, the look on their face is always quite amusing.

Why do I say this?

Well, for one, to me, it's funny.  I do not believe I have a soul, or at least, not the kind one thinks about as a Catholic.  I have a metaphysical essence, but it's not chained to a God or religion or philosophy in anyway.  All of that is more complicated, and not really covered by Zen.

Why?

Because everyone experiences that stuff differently, so that they can understand what they need to know.  An astrophysicist or a chemist would explain how the universe works extremely differently from a pianist or a writer or a painter or a teacher.  All of them could be right.  However, they will explain it very differently, and if nuance is taken too literally, all these explanations will be seen as, not different accounts of the same thing, but as completely different things.

But I digress, to say black as my soul, is to ask whomever I say this to, to think.  I was a piano teacher for several years, I have manners, and I generally practice ethics in everything I do.  People see me as warm and kind.  They do not associate me with black.

But why couldn't my soul be black?  Why is black considered bad?

Two things come to mind...

A very common symbol that represents the universe is the yin-yang.  I loved them when I was a teenager, and I still do today.  I think it's a great reminder of not seeing things as black and white, but trying to see them as a whole, as they are.  In this view, my soul cannot be entirely black, or if it is, it is surrounded by lighter things.  If we did not have that balance, we would not exist.

Plus, who can sleep well in a bright room?  I'm sure there are a few of you out there, but personally, I like darkness for sleeping time.

Second, what "color" is the absence of light?  Our brains analyze it so we see it as black.  It's not necessarily actually black, but that is how we interpret it, with the abilities we have.  And to be completely technical, black isn't a color.  It's the absence of color.

So if my soul is black...

Yeah, you got it!  It's the absence of a soul, or at the very least, our concept of a soul.

Why is this important in Zen?

All forms of Buddhism are to help reduce suffering in our lives, possibly with the goal of enlightenment.  Attachment is at the root of most suffering.  To be attached to a concept of a soul is to suffer, on multiple levels.  If one loses their attachment, they also lose their suffering.  It doesn't mean to negate the existence of something that is real.  It means that we go through our perceptions and root out what is false, harmful, causes suffering, or holds us back.

All that happens in our mind becomes our reality.  If you choose to attach to the concept of a soul, you will function as if you have one, even if you don't.  That "soul" that you have created will work in the way in which you believe it does, and affect you accordingly.

Cool, huh?

Equally cool: you can positively affect your whole life with this power.  However, if you do not understand the "programming" or perceptions that you have accepted, you are being affected positively or negatively by that power, and can feel helpless.  Once you begin to understand and root through your perceptions, you can begin to positively change your life, because you understand how your mind works.  Then, you can make decisions to attach to new perceptions, or not, depending on your wants and desires.

And remember, don't feel bad if you decide you wish to keep some or all of your attachments.  Kuan Yin (or Kannon, or Quan yin, or Avalokitesvara, depending on the tradition), a Bodhisattva, who hears the cries of the world and is known for their* great compassion, vowed not to reach nirvana until all sentient beings attained enlightenment.  That, while being completely awesome, is an attachment.  It's always a choice, and if you understand that, it will be a choice you agree with.

And if you don't, down the road or a second later, you can always change it.

So, is my soul black?  Yes, because instead of having a soul, I have a void, which is black, because it is the absence of matter.

What color is your soul?

*I used "their" here, because depending on the tradition, Kuan Yin (insert all other possible names here)'s gender varies.

Who Is Blogging? ...

Hi, Dear Reader,

My name is Crimson Cowan, and this is my first blog post, of my first blog, ever.

**Dramatic sound effect of your choice**

There are a lot of things I could say about myself, and a few that will actually pertain to this blog.  Writing this, I am on the one hand, extremely excited, because I'm writing.  I love writing.  It's one of my favorite things to do, and I now have a reason to write regularly.  I'll post about myself, life in general, excerpts from stories I am working on, and possibly a serial story, if it fits the blogging mold well enough.

On the other hand, I feel a bit like Tony Stark from Marvel's The Avengers: "Like Christmas, but with more ...  *me*."*  For a variety of reasons, that feels uncomfortable, slimy, and slightly narcissistic (and if I'm honest, maybe I should edit out "slightly"), even though I adore Iron Man/Tony Stark as a character.  I think he's fabulous, but I'm not Tony Stark, and it's not just because I'm not able to make a miniature arc reactor in a cave with a box of spare parts.

However, it's the twenty-first century, and this is how you put yourself out there.  Instead, it's in a box, and you can't actually throw rotten tomatoes at me.  Virtual, yes.  And some of you may now get creative, and send some rotten tomatoes to my house, but you know, it's not immediate.  I can't immediately feel the hatred on my face.  Damn... virtual stuff is sometimes so much less fun.

**Throws rotten tomato at self for dramatic effect**

**Misses wildly, because she has no throwing arm or aim to speak of, and angers her extremely awesome cat, Shadoe, who hates sauce**

(No, I didn't actually throw a tomato at Shadoe, on accident or otherwise.  He's taking a nap next to me while I type this... Adorable much?)

So, back on track, hi again, I'm Crimson, and... Who is blogging?  Who is typing right now?  Who is thinking about what to say next?  Damn... no enlightenment yet.  Did I mention I'm a student of Zen Buddhism?  Yeah.  After reading a book about koans, I ask myself such questions, a lot.  I'm not enlightened (or I don't remember my true enlightened nature, depending on your philosophy of such things).  I'm definitely not a Zen Master.  Or a Ninja (although that would be awesome!).  I like to sit, staring at a wall, for twenty minutes at a time.  It helps me focus on the things I love to do, gain perspective on how things are, and enjoy or learn from every moment.  I was the kid with her head in the clouds, so actually living in the world I'm occupying is a giant new adventure for me.  If I talk about zazen, or my path, know that I'm talking about my journey, and take everything as an autobiography, not a how-to guide.  As far as how-to, I have no idea.  None.  Do not ask me.  Seriously.  I will point you to the nearest Zen Center or Temple with an enlightened Roshi, and wish you well.

I'm also a pianist, so there will probably be something about that here and there.  I've played the piano for almost 25 years, barely survived a master's degree in piano performance, and taught little monsters for five years (sometimes having 50+ in my studio, and becoming extremely attached to many of them).  Somehow, playing the piano is still one of my favorite things to do, and for the first time in my adult life, I have the great, giant, huge luxury to do what I want to try to create a career that I love.  This blog is part of that, but so is practicing, writing, composing, giving recitals, gigging, recording, publishing, keeping up with social media (as much as anyone can...), writing thank you cards, and cleaning the house.

"Wait?  What?  Did she just add cleaning the house?" you might ask.

Damn Skippy.

As I clean, it clears my head for new ideas.  I like new ideas, and as a creative person, they are the fuel upon which I ride.  So, as much as anything else on my list, I clean the house.  Thus, sprinkled here and there, I will include posts on cleaning, especially when I find a new way to do so.  I am a huge fan of cleaning products that don't dry out my hands (keyword here: pianist), so if you too like cleaning products that don't dry out your hands, stay tuned.  I love keeping companies in business that produce products that actually clean, smell nice, and keep my hands happy.

To conclude, while I am writing about my life, my experience, and my ideas, and you are reading my posts, you are actually learning about you, your opinions of what I have written, and how they pertain to you.  Because reading this is actually for you, I hope to entertain, amuse, cause you to think, or simply act as a virtual friend for a short while.  For there are plenty of reasons to believe in the interconnectedness of us all, and that if you are half way around the world, or in the house next door, looking at your computer screen, that I'm there beside you, with my thoughts, ideas, a bit of love, and maybe a cookie. ...Food for thought...

Who is Blogging?

...

*Excerpt from: http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0848228/quotes?qt=qt1698891